Back For The Second Time

I've been trying for hours to write this blog.... But there's just no correct route to take in writing it. Something is always left out or not explained.

How can you say you love me and care for me but care nothing for my feelings?

How can you tell me I'm number one in your life yet tell me I'm in the way or that I'm complicating things?

How can I believe that I am a good person, deserving of love when nobody wants to love me?

How can I expect a positive relationship future
when nobody wants to stick around?

How can I be myself
when being myself causes me pain?

How can I continue to believe in love
when it always ends up letting me down?

I really feel like my presence isn't wanted... its just tolerated.
Its some tough shit to be told by people who tell you they love you that you ain't good enough. Things don't have to happen many times to me, for me to realize some truths.
Why believe that someone is capable of falling in love wit me and willing to stay around if it ain't happened?
But that's my fault.... I should have known better
I know how my life works, expecting great outcomes, isn't for me.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't hate being me.
And that sucks because I can only be me...

The pain I feel right now... is paralyzing.
I don't want to do anything.
I'm feeling such a variety of emotions... but the most prevalent is disappointment.
I promised myself I wouldn't go through this again... but here I am.
I ignored the signs, because I actually believed this time would be different.
I apologize to myself for bringin you to this place... a place you hate to be.
I didn't think it would suck this much to just be me.