Back For The Second Time

I've been trying for hours to write this blog.... But there's just no correct route to take in writing it. Something is always left out or not explained.

How can you say you love me and care for me but care nothing for my feelings?

How can you tell me I'm number one in your life yet tell me I'm in the way or that I'm complicating things?

How can I believe that I am a good person, deserving of love when nobody wants to love me?

How can I expect a positive relationship future
when nobody wants to stick around?

How can I be myself
when being myself causes me pain?

How can I continue to believe in love
when it always ends up letting me down?

I really feel like my presence isn't wanted... its just tolerated.
Its some tough shit to be told by people who tell you they love you that you ain't good enough. Things don't have to happen many times to me, for me to realize some truths.
Why believe that someone is capable of falling in love wit me and willing to stay around if it ain't happened?
But that's my fault.... I should have known better
I know how my life works, expecting great outcomes, isn't for me.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't hate being me.
And that sucks because I can only be me...

The pain I feel right now... is paralyzing.
I don't want to do anything.
I'm feeling such a variety of emotions... but the most prevalent is disappointment.
I promised myself I wouldn't go through this again... but here I am.
I ignored the signs, because I actually believed this time would be different.
I apologize to myself for bringin you to this place... a place you hate to be.
I didn't think it would suck this much to just be me.

At a Xroads

Sitting here. thinkin bout. how I'm gon-na do without. You around. in my life. and how am I. I gon' get by. I ain't got no days. Just lonely nights. You want the truth...Well girl im not alright. Feel out of place. and out of time. I think im gonna lose my mind...

As I stand here, at this xroads, I contemplate my next decision, with a heavy heart.

I don't know how I got here... or why. But, I do know that I want out.

The sign in front of me reads "stick it out" (left) "fuck it and move on" (right)

Trust me, Im very inclined to move it to the right... but what does that say about me?

It says that I'm not a good friend and I can't stick it out through the rough times (Ride or Die card revoked). It says all the previous experiences meant nothing... I was just a surrogate for a real friend who came to fruition because you prayed hard enough for someone who "gets it."

Ultimately, I'm a piece of shit...

On the flip side... if I stay, I endure more heartache, neglect, pain and lonliness. Its ok to get shitted on but, my retaliation is just "too much." I can't get upset, I can't bitch and moan, I can't express any emotion whatsoever... because its not about me.

As I sit here... constantly playing this Babyface song in my head....

He sings: I'm dying here. its clear to see. There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me.

There's pain if I stay... but even more pain if I leave. I've made my decision.... I will die for you today

#willgetyourejected

Once again I was listenin to the Russ Par morning show and of course, they had another interesting topic to discuss. They recieved an e-mail from this black guy who pretty much said that black women aren't with anyone, because they have too much attitude and they don't know their place. Once they discover how to shut their mouths and let a man take control, maybe they can get married.

To add insult to injury... this mf says that's why he prefers white women and hasn't dated a black woman in years. Oh and he doesn't plan on comin back (Thank God).

Lets take a moment to internalize this.................... you fumin yet? If so, great.

First off let me say that this man MUST have been hurt by a black woman in the past and he didn't cope with it too well. But, that doesn't excuse his bitchassness. People get screwed all the time homie... that's what life is all about. You live, learn and do better the next time.

So going back to the topic... black women have too much attitude and they need to know their place? Excuse me sir? #fail

I forgot to mention that in the email he said that black men can now do all the things that women can so they are going to have to show some outstanding qualities to set themselves apart from the crowd (where has he been?). #getalife

I don't even kno why he wasted his time in typing that sentence... he didn't say anything that everybody doesn't already know. Everyone knows a man can do what a woman can except have children... they just choose not to. #duh

Anyways, this being the head of the household bit is killin me. Two callers brought up really valid points saying, a relationship is a team and that men took the head of the household idea to the extreme. Well imma put those two together...

Men... chill out. Head of the household doesn't mean the woman loses her sense of autonomy. It just means that you are pretty much the final say in decisionmaking. And how do we come to terms? By compromise. Hence the term teamwork.

Then the topic turned to black women and attitude and how we constantly play into the stereotype. All I really have to say about that is, it's true. Black women do have a certain no b.s. aura about them and it comes off as attitude. So I think that black women need to really embrace the term, rather than be offended by it.

I think that our black men are very sensitive, confused and scared (this may also be true for other races). They say they want to be challenged and all this other stuff, but constantly display behavior opposite of what they say. For example pursuing white women.

In the back of a man's mind... he knows that if he steps to a put together woman (especially a black woman) he's gonna HAVE to come correct, make changes and face rejection. Pretty much things that make you do some self-interaction, which I think scares men (OMG ur being human).

But, until they realize that... this is the reality we have to live in #wackness.

#fail

So on the radio today, they were discussing this article they read in Newsweek. It was talkin about how 42% of black women aren't married compared to 21% of white women. They ventured on to say that maybe black women need to lower their standards and opened up the line for calls to hear other ppl's take on the issue.
Well I'm here to say, that's a crock of shit. Granted, if you have standards that are just doin the most... then maybe you should make them more reasonable. But, for the most part, I don't think a black woman should have to change her standards.
My parents told me, especially my mother, to never settle for less. If I'm used to a certain standard of living, why would I downgrade myself? Is it wrong for me to want good things for myself?
Then they brought up the tired ass excuse of you shouldn't immediately discount a person based on their credit score, job or education... and it's true, you shouldn't. But, I feel it's an indicator of some character traits that you might want to stay mindful of. It's the equivalent of meeting a man who has like 6 kids and 4 baby mommas. You can't immediately judge him and think that he's a bad person, but that level of irresponsiblity will always be in the back of your mind and may keep you from fully trusting him.
I think the part that really upsets me about the whole situation, is the fact that the onus falls on the black woman (like we don't already worry about enough shit). Why do WE have to lower OUR standards. Why can't men UP their STATUS? Essentially what they are sayin is that black men can continue to live this substandard livestyle and not change, while we have to subject ourselves to bullshit. It's not fair and I hate that...
I understand that black men have it the hardest, but that doesn't mean that they can't fight it. And on some real, most black women I know, their standards aren't even all that high. An educated black woman already knows that the chances of her finding a black man on her level is pretty slim to none... so from jump her standards are already lowered. How far down you expect her to go?
When I sit back and just look at this whole situation... all I can do is shake my head and laugh. It's so unbelieveable how sad it is. And I think the saddest part is that this situation is not going to get any better, it's probably going to get worse. We (black people) continue to reinforce black men's bullshit by justifying deficient behavior by saying "Oh, well you shouldn't judge him because he doesn't have a high school diploma or his credit is bad but, he's still a good person." That's #wack
Don't fall for that... it's a trap. Clearly, there's other problems that need to be worked out, but that's another blog.

Krackin' the Kode

It's not wrong to want to do things a certain way... for the most part, it's expected. Some people's methods of handling situations are more efficacious than others... done more promptly, so on and so forth.

So, what's the point of my babble? Well, i'm going to take a krack at unlocking the safe inside my head. Maybe if it's tangible... i'll be able to sort some things out.

Lets see...

It always helps me to outline then fill in where its necessary. I have insekurities out of this world, I'm too nice, I kompromise to the point that I inkonvenience myself, I'm too kritical... of myself, I let people's opinion of me go to far... whether it be real or the result of my own neurosis.

I. B gettin kracked out
A) Insekurities out of this world
1. I would have to say this is the problem that is on krack for me. I mean I know it's normal
for a person to have insecurities... but damn.
2. They keep me from really living the life that I want to live. I'm just generally dissatisfied
with a lot of things in my life... well actually the parts that I konsider a person to be
"grown up."
3. I'm not too sure when they got out of kontrol... But if I had to start a timeline somewhere
I'd have to start in Elementary school. I got teased a lot growing up... typical child stuff. It
continued all the way up to maybe my junior year in high school. There was a blip in
college, but by this time, I was kind of fed up wit the bullshit. It hurt, but I don't think I
internalized it like I had in the past. Knowing me... I probably did. Let me stop denying
(Possible crack?)
B) I'm too nice/ I kompromise myself to the point that I inkonvenience myself
1. With this one... I know that being nice is just a huge part of me. It's not going anywhere. I
wouldn't know how to be a mean person.
2. I do believe that I lack a sense of assertiveness. I need to get me some of that.
3. I hate to see that hurt look on people's faces or hear the disappointment in their voice
so I try and make them happy.
4. I have a love hate relationship with people... I love people and want to do all I can to help,
make a small part of their life just a little easier ( Life is F'n hard). But I also hate people
because they make it really hard for people like me to want to exist.
C) Too kritical/ Opinions
1. I'm too kritical on myself because in a twisted way... that's how I show my love for myself.
2. I make it my business to notice all my flaws before anyone else does, so I can come up
with all the negative things you kould possibly say to me. If I've prepared myself already
the sting isn't as painful.
3. Since I've become such a guarded person, I'm hypervigilant about tryin to figure out
what people think of me. The process is totally unneccesary but it's become an obsession.
4. We live in a very judgemental and kontradictory kulture... all I want to do is be myself
and I feel like I kan't because myself isn't good enough.

It seems as if I have it all figured out... and all that I'd have to do is tell myself to suck it up, get out more, chill out and have some fun. This is true... I do need to do these things and I plan too. I guess what I'm saying is... I want to see if all the things that I think will make me happy will work.

I always believed that you know yourself better than anybody... and that you know what's best for you (most of the time). I've come to the consensus that I do need to go and talk to somebody... but after I see how my plan works out.

MESSAGE!

Have you ever walked around and saw a group of dudes... and all but ONE of the guys was uncommonly homely? Doesn't that piss you off? Or better yet... you want the cute guy to come and talk to you, but the coonest negro in the bunch, takes it upon himself to bring his unwanted ass over there to you, to try and hook you up with somebody who looks just as worse as him, or he's trynna talk to you himself... (I believe almost every black girl can testify to this shit).

What I don't understand is... why is this the case? It's very easy to find a group of all attractive females, but you'll be hard pressed to find a group of all attractive males.

I asked my dad this question... and asked if he was apart of a group that was similar to the aforementioned one. He couldn't really say... He told me that he never really thought about it. So could this possibly one answer? Do guys really look more so at what a guy brings to the friendship rather than his looks?

Or is it an effort to command all the attention? Do men subconsciously seek out unattractive friends so they will be perceived as being more attractive than if they were associated with any other group? I kno I've been fooled before... I thought this one dude was cute, but then when I saw him again in a different context (walkin by himself) and I was like omg... what the fuck was I thinkin before. This dude is not what I remember seeing (In actuality it really was... but since he was surrounded by tragedy I didn't know any better).

Ha... I remember this other time my friend invited one of her co-workers over and he brought some friends with him. My friend texted us that his friends were no where near attractive and that we should lock ourselves in our rooms (we figured that if there was nobody to talk to then they'd leave quicker). So, they come in and one of them was like "where are ur friends?" (they said he was decent looking) and she was like "they sleep...y'all should probably go." They kept tellin her and my mother friend that they should wake us up and come and talk to them.

Moral of the story (I don't wanna bore you wit that long ass memory)... it helps to have a group of attractive friends.... AT LEAST 2 of y'all should be decent. I mean is it that difficult? It's as if they don't consider the possibilities... Like if one of your friends is talkin to someone and they invite you to come on a double date or something and he brings his friend and..... he's the bullshit. It just kinda sucks (I'm not sayin dudes don't have the same experience but... I have a feeling they aren't as frequent).

I know this particular entry makes me seem like I'm super shallow... and to a certain extent, yeah I am. But for real everybody is. You may deny it, but if you think about some of your actions, you'll see the underlying cause may be slightly superficial.

Stinky Cheese

Twitter - texting what you are currently doing in less that 140 characters.

What is this world coming to? Why must we disclose such unimportant information? And most importantly, is your life that unfulling that you sit there are read about someone taking a shit? Its bad enough having that crack which is Facebook (or whatever social network you use). I just don't understand what the fascination is wiht it. I can understand how AIM, facebook, Myspace and texting became so big. But this? Not so much...

It's so funny how simple people can be. Do they not realize what they've done? They have just created the stalkers dream (not that it hasn't already been done). They have made it that much easier for them. I've already witnessed some stalkerish behavior from some of my friends and others through that whole chat thing on Facebook (which gets on my nerves). They can pretty much track down the person's movement or the location in which htey think they may be. It's just craziness in my opinion...

Honestly, I could care less what people are currently doing... the only time I really want to know what's going on is if I need to talk to you or your well being is at stake.

We had this discussion in class today about it and most people agreed that the idea was stupid. The professor brought up a point that I have been considering since text messaging started. She was saying how she said this honor student told her that they hadn't written a paper in two years... TWO YEARS! Honor student...ridiculous.

Although I'm not a huge fan of writing papers, I do know there is some significance in it. When you write, it shows that you have some level of sophistication about a subject. You are able to take a concept and portray it in a way that is conducive to your understanding. If you can write about it... I believe you've got it down packed. With tests... you can't do that ( I hate tests!). Tests don't accurately assess what you know. It shows how great your memory is ( late night cramming for instance).

Anywho... back to the demise or communication as we know it...

I don't even want to image how society is going to operate when my kids are grown... I know that learning how to write will be one of the first things to go, it's already started. Remember we had to learn how to write in cursive? Yeah... those were the good ol' days but they are no more. I don't think they teach cursive anymore. They say that it's irrelevant, because it's not really used in life... (bullshit)

I feel another blog entry brewing... cuz I don't want this one to get too long winded.