Krackin' the Kode

It's not wrong to want to do things a certain way... for the most part, it's expected. Some people's methods of handling situations are more efficacious than others... done more promptly, so on and so forth.

So, what's the point of my babble? Well, i'm going to take a krack at unlocking the safe inside my head. Maybe if it's tangible... i'll be able to sort some things out.

Lets see...

It always helps me to outline then fill in where its necessary. I have insekurities out of this world, I'm too nice, I kompromise to the point that I inkonvenience myself, I'm too kritical... of myself, I let people's opinion of me go to far... whether it be real or the result of my own neurosis.

I. B gettin kracked out
A) Insekurities out of this world
1. I would have to say this is the problem that is on krack for me. I mean I know it's normal
for a person to have insecurities... but damn.
2. They keep me from really living the life that I want to live. I'm just generally dissatisfied
with a lot of things in my life... well actually the parts that I konsider a person to be
"grown up."
3. I'm not too sure when they got out of kontrol... But if I had to start a timeline somewhere
I'd have to start in Elementary school. I got teased a lot growing up... typical child stuff. It
continued all the way up to maybe my junior year in high school. There was a blip in
college, but by this time, I was kind of fed up wit the bullshit. It hurt, but I don't think I
internalized it like I had in the past. Knowing me... I probably did. Let me stop denying
(Possible crack?)
B) I'm too nice/ I kompromise myself to the point that I inkonvenience myself
1. With this one... I know that being nice is just a huge part of me. It's not going anywhere. I
wouldn't know how to be a mean person.
2. I do believe that I lack a sense of assertiveness. I need to get me some of that.
3. I hate to see that hurt look on people's faces or hear the disappointment in their voice
so I try and make them happy.
4. I have a love hate relationship with people... I love people and want to do all I can to help,
make a small part of their life just a little easier ( Life is F'n hard). But I also hate people
because they make it really hard for people like me to want to exist.
C) Too kritical/ Opinions
1. I'm too kritical on myself because in a twisted way... that's how I show my love for myself.
2. I make it my business to notice all my flaws before anyone else does, so I can come up
with all the negative things you kould possibly say to me. If I've prepared myself already
the sting isn't as painful.
3. Since I've become such a guarded person, I'm hypervigilant about tryin to figure out
what people think of me. The process is totally unneccesary but it's become an obsession.
4. We live in a very judgemental and kontradictory kulture... all I want to do is be myself
and I feel like I kan't because myself isn't good enough.

It seems as if I have it all figured out... and all that I'd have to do is tell myself to suck it up, get out more, chill out and have some fun. This is true... I do need to do these things and I plan too. I guess what I'm saying is... I want to see if all the things that I think will make me happy will work.

I always believed that you know yourself better than anybody... and that you know what's best for you (most of the time). I've come to the consensus that I do need to go and talk to somebody... but after I see how my plan works out.